Hi Orlando, I have a very particular problem with my owner and find it difficult to share so I hope you will be discreet. During lockdown I fell out with my previous owners (don’t ask, we just grew apart) so I decided I could play the field. Two doors down there is this single man … Continue reading Help! He won’t let me in the back door
Dear Orlando I feel the need to tell you about the animals in your life, as I think you’ll appreciate them. When I was little, we had a cat. She was called Trixie, but I was six years old at the time and unfortunately, I can’t really remember anything special about her. We then became … Continue reading The animals in your life
Dear Orlando, I’m furious and disappointed. Last month, you entertained a letter from my housemate, Narco. I’ll have you know Narco is a tetchy old grump with a very flimsy relationship with the truth and he’s been jealous of me for ages. I’ll admit I’ve had some interesting fashion choices, but what young lady hasn’t? … Continue reading An unhappy potato
Dear Orlando, My nerves are shot to hell, please help! After being born and raised in Paris, I was abruptly moved by my human to southwest Scotland. I dealt with the shock of being wrenched from my stylish apartment in the 4th arrondissement and hurled into rural life, then the horrifying discovery that all the … Continue reading Down and Out in Paris and Wigtown
This is Mycroft’s response to Orlando’s advice – read the initial post! Mycroft replies Dear Orlando, I write to thank you for your advice. I was bereft upon reading your reply, as I rather hoped you’d equip me with a brilliant plan to persuade my humans they were making a terrible mistake. Instead, I received … Continue reading Mycroft is going down under!
Dear Orlando, I’m in a terrible state. Please help! I’m in my ninth decade of life – the last of my nine lives if you will – and my humans have just dropped a bombshell piece of news. We’re moving. To Australia! Apparently one of them has a spectacular job over there and we are … Continue reading Despair down under!
Dear Orlando, I’m probably going to sound like a grumpy old lady in this letter, but I’m facing a bit of a situation and need your help. I’m a seventy-nine-year-old Red Setter, and I share my home with the obligatory humans and a cat called Betsy. I rather like her, and she is a pretty … Continue reading The Scarlet Setter
Dear Orlando, I’ve been having trouble with my humans recently and I hope you can help me. I’ve been living with them for a couple of years after being adopted, but I’ve always preferred the woman-human to the man-human. She smells lovely and spends more time cuddling me than he does. I’m very fond of … Continue reading Oedipuss Complex?
Dear Orlando, I write in the hope you can help me to understand a problem I’ve been having for years. Every year, at this time of year, all sorts of strange things happen. The postie – who I’m not allowed to chase – arrives at the door practically every day bringing all sorts of parcels … Continue reading Help! Too many parcels
Dear Orlando, My totally unimaginative human feeds me tinned chicken literally every day and I’m utterly sick of it. Don’t get me wrong – I’m pawsitively grateful to be fed as I’m far too lazy to hunt these days and it’s slim pickings round where I live anyway. There are too many other cats in … Continue reading What on earth is a chicken?
Dear Orlando, I came across your column recently and I must say I was quite taken with your style of advice. You’re no Marjorie Proops or Claire Rayner, rest their souls, but I like your direct approach and the fact that you dispense advice to animals rather than humans. It’s about bloody time! We’ve had … Continue reading A plan for world domination
This week, Ask Orlando received a reader’s reply to Hamish the dog’s letter to Orlando in October. Orlando has graciously allowed Pippin to speak to Hamish, dog to dog: Dear Hamish, I was moved by your plight and feel for you. Things are rather fairer in my household because Teasel, the very large tabby cat … Continue reading A message from Pippin to Hamish
Dear Orlando, I hope you won’t mind a letter from a mere dog. Actually, I’m more properly described as a hound, and my breed profile says I will chase anything that moves. That is certainly true if I encounter a rabbit, badger, pine marten, sheep, or (and I do apologise for this, but you’d understand … Continue reading A letter from Hamish
Dear Orlando, I am a sixty-four-year-old Tuxedo cat and have always considered myself a fine example of my breeding, but I must confess I’ve let things slip on the exercise front during lockdown and gained some unwanted ounces. I’ve always been very active; I am extremely fond of night-prowling, terrorising dogs and occasionally engaging in … Continue reading A Book Shop Tuck Shop cat
Dear Orlando, I am very worried about my health. Every time I sit on the mat near the warm fire, find a comfy place on a lap or am stroked, I experience a strange wheezing and rumbling. Have I got some sort of chest infection, or congestion of the lungs? Or maybe a severe stomach … Continue reading Help! A strange rumbling