An unhappy potato

Dear Orlando,

I’m furious and disappointed. 

Last month, you entertained a letter from my housemate, Narco. I’ll have you know Narco is a tetchy old grump with a very flimsy relationship with the truth and he’s been jealous of me for ages. 

I’ll admit I’ve had some interesting fashion choices, but what young lady hasn’t? Or young gentleman for that matter? I’m still only in my early twenties, so I think it’s quite reasonable to experiment with a new look and try things out. Some may even say it’s brave that I gave it a go! I didn’t grow up in Paris, surrounded by high fashion at every turn, and Narco is quick to forget that my ‘dreadful, loud woollen numbers’ – as he refers to them – kept me nice and toasty in the winter. We live in Scotland, and I don’t have his triple layer of fur and simmering envy to keep me warm at all times. 

I see he completely failed to mention some of my more elegant looks, or that I have been bullied for my ‘solid’ figure and referred to as Jacqui Potato by some of the locals here for resembling a baked spud. Your response to his letter adds insult to injury, and the truth is simply that I am much easier to get on with. 

Also, Narco used to have a mullet, so any insults about my look are a bit rich coming from him. Business at the front, party at the back? Dog’s dinner more like!

Shame on you Sir.
Jacqui O,
Aged 21, Southwest Scotland


Dear Jacqui O,

I hang my whiskers in contrition my dear lady. A thousand apologies, and you are quite right. That mullet is a shocking sight and something I hope to never see on another canine. 

What a hypocrite!

Yours Purrfully,
Orlando

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