A plan for world domination

Dear Orlando,

I came across your column recently and I must say I was quite taken with your style of advice. You’re no Marjorie Proops or Claire Rayner, rest their souls, but I like your direct approach and the fact that you dispense advice to animals rather than humans. It’s about bloody time! We’ve had plenty to complain about for years, but no one has been speaking our language – either literally or otherwise.

My one criticism is that I came across your column entirely by chance and had never previously heard of you. How do you plan to become a household name so that other cool cats like me can access your words of wisdom? Will you start writing for a major newspaper or get your own morning television slot? Surely our trust in you depends on certain factors.

Conan, aged 72, Ecclefechan.

Dear Conan,

My word – that’s a robust name. I assume you didn’t name yourself that.

To the matter at hand: you are quite right; I am not a supawstar, per se, but I prefer to live a modest life without the trappings of celebrity. I’d never get any hunting done or be able to sleep for as long as I wish, and if anybody tries to do my makeup or fur, they’ll feel the full force of my claws.

That said, there has been a development that should establish some trust. My underlings here at Autumn Voices decided it was for the greater good to raise my profile and commissioned an artist to render my likeness, and I now have my own caricature, which will now adorn every column as part of my ‘brand’ – whatever that is. I’m reliably informed that anyone of note has their own caricature.

I was initially horrified by the very idea, but mercifully it’s a splendid image and entirely appropriate for a gentleman of my distinction. You may show it to all your friends, with my greatest condescension.

Yours Purrfully,

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