Dear Orlando,
I write in a state of total despair.
My humans have started shutting me in some sort of overnight prison and I’m absolutely furious. Prior to this outrage, I enjoyed roaming around my house, doing whatever the hell I liked and sitting atop whatever pleased me. Granted, this included my humans, and I was not always gentle in doing so, but it was at my favourite time of the morning – 4.30am – so surely one can be forgiven a little boisterous behaviour? My dawn exertions are essential for my health, and I can’t be held hostage to their ridiculous sleeping patterns. I’ve never understood why they seek eight uninterrupted hours rather than a far more sensible sixteen, like me, but it appears I have overstepped a mark. For several nights now, my humans have deposited me in a separate part of the house for the duration. I have access to food, water and additional toilet facilities, as well as toys, but I have only two rooms at my disposal instead of the usual eight and it’s positively scandalous. They come and get me promptly each morning, but I’m afraid it rather sours the mood between us all day.
How do I persuade my humans to cease this behaviour? I am at the disposal of your considerable wisdom to help me resolve this transgression.
Yours Sincerely,
Oscar,
Aged 441/2
Southwest Scotland
Dear Oscar,
This is a most troubling situation to read about, and I commend you on your fortitude in dealing with this predicament. You were right to get in touch.
Unfortunately, as you will know by now, humans are weak. They respond very poorly to nightly disturbances yet think nothing of rousing us from our catnaps with unsolicited haunch scratching or chin tickles that they know perfectly well will disturb our dreams. It’s an abomination. However, if you are, as I suspect from your profile photo, an indoor cat, then they’ve got you by the long and furries. You are entirely dependent on them for food and environment and will have to appease them accordingly. My advice to you is to placate them with exceptional behaviour during daytime hours and then appeal to their softer sides in the evening. Hiding under the bed will be construed as deliberate tomcatfoolery and frowned upon but arranging yourself on a neutral spot on the bed and appearing to be deeply asleep should work. Humans are notorious for finding this ‘adorable’ (sigh) and will likely leave you as you are rather than unceremoniously carting you off somewhere else. If you wait until they are fully asleep to roam the house silentium and only disturb them, say, once a week, they’ll probably overlook everything else and reinstate your privileges.
Until this happens, I suggest you familiarise yourself with the Japanese art of Tangcho. It’s my go-to stress reliever and I think you’ll find it a meditative and soothing way to pass the hours in kitty solitary.
Yours Purrfully,
Orlando
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